Every summer my husband and I pack up the kids (and my mom) and drive down to the beach for a conference he attends there. During the mornings, he's in classes (we're at the beach/pool), and at night, there are different "forced socializing" events held by the Banks and/or Trust Companies to wine-and-dine the attorneys.
As previously discussed, small talk at these events is NOT my forte. I've been out of the workforce for a million years, don't golf or play tennis, and generally have scant little in common with any of the people at these functions. The best I can do to not embarrass my husband or myself is to stand with a cocktail, nod and smile at whomever is talking to me, and wait for an appropriate moment to make a graceful exit. This social model has served me well time-and -time again. Except for: THE SIT DOWN DINNER.
At THE SIT DOWN DINNER, my husband and I arrive at the restaurant dressed beautifully. We are immediately greeted by our charming host and his elegant wife, who make pleasantries and hand me a cocktail. So far, so good. Of course, as an adult, it is my job to judge when I've had "enough" to drink. Yet for some reason, on this particular evening, the signal for when I've had "enough" became hard to spot.
Before Larry and I are escorted to our assigned seats at THE SIT DOWN DINNER, the mingling continues over cocktails. I wonder to myself, "is this the 2nd or 3rd Bourbon and Coke I've consumed?" THAT should have been the signal I've had "enough". But sadly, it wasn't.
We then go to our assigned table for dinner. I'm against the wall, with Larry across from me and said "charming host" to my right. Wine is poured, food is served. I wonder to myself, "what did I order again???". THAT should have been the signal I've had "enough". But sadly, it wasn't.
The entree comes (oh, yay! I ordered the fish!), more wine is poured. I'm engaged in conversation with my table-buddies and proceed to knock over my glass of wine. "Charming Host" quickly righted my glass and nobody was the wiser. Again, THAT should have been the signal I've indeed had "enough". Sigh. It wasn't.
The piece de resistance was just before dessert was served. I looked down at my charger plate, and saw a puddle. A puddle from the wine I had earlier spilled. A puddle that would prevent me from putting dessert onto that plate. Brainstorm! I pick up the charger plate and tilt it, slowly dripping and spilling the red wine that had puddled in it onto the white table cloth of the SIT DOWN DINNER'S table.
THAT was the signal my husband and I BOTH needed to indicate that I finally had "ENOUGH".
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Sing Along
Tomorrow we pick up our four children from a month in North Carolina. Seriously, I can't wait. But of course, I started to digress in my thinking to all those wonderful songs we learned at camp (or on the streets) during our so crucial formative years. After laughing till I cried at midnight last night (sorry, Larry!), here's a countdown of my all time favorites, complete with lyrics (as I remember them. Some of these may be "regional", so forgive any self indulgence) ALSO, I feel it's important to note in case anyone from Human Services is reading this that I do NOT condone my children singing these songs . In public:
7) Trick-or-Treat
Trick or treat!
Smell my feet!
Give me something good to eat!
If you don't, I don't care!
I'll pull down your underwear!
* Nice! sexual assault for candy
6) Jingle Bells (sung to tune of Jingle Bells)
Jingle Bells! Batman Smells! Robin laid an egg.
The Batmobile lost its wheel
And the Joker ran away.
5) Dandelion Chant (done while holding a dandelion with your thumb on the flower)
Momma had a baby and its head popped off! (upon which you flick the head of the flower off)
* This particular gruesome imagery may very well be local to New York. Or maybe my sister and I invented it. Not sure. But worth mentioning.
4) Addam's Family "remix" Sung to the tune of the Addam's Family. Now, many of you will know the first verse. However, I've included the lesser known second verse for your enjoyment.
The Addam's family started
When Uncle Fester farted
They all became retarded
The Addam's family!
The house is made of sh*t
And so is Cousin It
Morticia sucks her t*t
The Addam's family!
3) Under the Cherry Tree sung with a reggae beat. *I must note that I don't remember this entire song. Maybe one of my reader's can complete for me?
Under the cherry Tree (da da da da da da)
That's where she showed "it" to me!
It was hairy and black, and it had a crack
Under the cherry tree!
I took out my hairy banana
Under the cherry tree!
(that's all I remember. I must have been so traumatized by the vision of a hairy "banana" that I've buried this one deep in my subconscious. Anyway, I do remember as a young woman being more than relieved to learn that a man's "banana" isn't actually hairy. TMI? sorry.
2) Rupture (chanted) *this song is sort of a spin off, or an homage to the #1 classic vulgar tune of childhood. I must also add that it's probably my husband's fave. EVERYBODY, NOW:
When you're climbing up a rail
And your balls hit a nail
It's a rupture!
When you're sliding into "first"
And you feel something burst
It's a rupture!
When you try to climb a ladder
And you feel something splatter
It's a rupture!
1) Diarrhea!
*The classic "camp" song! I'm sure there are infinite versus - some homegrown, some more standardized. My kids sang this to me thinking they were the first to hear it. And guess what? My mother new this song, too! It's as timeless as they come...sniff...
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
You can tell by the smell
Someone's not feeling well!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Some people think it's funny
But it's really brown and runny!
I hope you've all enjoyed this trip down memory lane as much as I have. These songs still tickle my funny bone, bring me back in time to the "back of the bus" where all the cool kids sat, have zero redeemable social value, and are sure to survive the test of time.
7) Trick-or-Treat
Trick or treat!
Smell my feet!
Give me something good to eat!
If you don't, I don't care!
I'll pull down your underwear!
* Nice! sexual assault for candy
6) Jingle Bells (sung to tune of Jingle Bells)
Jingle Bells! Batman Smells! Robin laid an egg.
The Batmobile lost its wheel
And the Joker ran away.
5) Dandelion Chant (done while holding a dandelion with your thumb on the flower)
Momma had a baby and its head popped off! (upon which you flick the head of the flower off)
* This particular gruesome imagery may very well be local to New York. Or maybe my sister and I invented it. Not sure. But worth mentioning.
4) Addam's Family "remix" Sung to the tune of the Addam's Family. Now, many of you will know the first verse. However, I've included the lesser known second verse for your enjoyment.
The Addam's family started
When Uncle Fester farted
They all became retarded
The Addam's family!
The house is made of sh*t
And so is Cousin It
Morticia sucks her t*t
The Addam's family!
3) Under the Cherry Tree sung with a reggae beat. *I must note that I don't remember this entire song. Maybe one of my reader's can complete for me?
Under the cherry Tree (da da da da da da)
That's where she showed "it" to me!
It was hairy and black, and it had a crack
Under the cherry tree!
I took out my hairy banana
Under the cherry tree!
(that's all I remember. I must have been so traumatized by the vision of a hairy "banana" that I've buried this one deep in my subconscious. Anyway, I do remember as a young woman being more than relieved to learn that a man's "banana" isn't actually hairy. TMI? sorry.
2) Rupture (chanted) *this song is sort of a spin off, or an homage to the #1 classic vulgar tune of childhood. I must also add that it's probably my husband's fave. EVERYBODY, NOW:
When you're climbing up a rail
And your balls hit a nail
It's a rupture!
When you're sliding into "first"
And you feel something burst
It's a rupture!
When you try to climb a ladder
And you feel something splatter
It's a rupture!
1) Diarrhea!
*The classic "camp" song! I'm sure there are infinite versus - some homegrown, some more standardized. My kids sang this to me thinking they were the first to hear it. And guess what? My mother new this song, too! It's as timeless as they come...sniff...
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
You can tell by the smell
Someone's not feeling well!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Some people think it's funny
But it's really brown and runny!
I hope you've all enjoyed this trip down memory lane as much as I have. These songs still tickle my funny bone, bring me back in time to the "back of the bus" where all the cool kids sat, have zero redeemable social value, and are sure to survive the test of time.
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