"X" Marks the Spot

Gals, remember Nair hair removal cream? Sure you do! Did it ever really work? Hells no, but we kept trying anyway, didn't we? Well...

Not too long ago my husband and I were getting ready to take a real vacation together, without kids. I was at the drug store picking up stuff, when I saw the classic icon of 1970s sexiness, NAIR. Only now, friends, it is "new and improved". Hmm, I thought. I'm game. And tossed it in my cart. It wasn't long before I was home and on the phone with my mother, telling her about my fabulous purchase. (Now to properly hear my mother's voice in your head, you need the right amount of OVER annunciation, a touch of Queens, and an undercurrent of negativity/doom/patron ism). "You know" she begins, "you should probably test that stuff at home FIRST, before trying it on vacation. You never know what the sun could do to that skin". I thought the woman had a point.

That night, once all my kids were sleeping soundly, I took out my Nair and started on my hairless-sexy-vacation-ready skin experiment. First, the bikini area, so off come the clothes. I shake up the Nair and puff some into my palm. Guess what? It's NEON PINK. "whatevs" I shrug to myself, and dab it on my bikini area. I think I should probably do my armpits, too, so again, neon pink mousse on each underarm. I look again at the "new and improved" directions. They clearly state that no extra skin (or clothes) should come in contact. So, I spread my arms wide, spread my legs wide, and stand in an "X". Step 2 of directions state I should remain in said "X" position for TWELVE minutes. Gulp. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. So I stand in my bathroom, covered in neon pink fluff, in an "X".

What's that I hear? Of course it is!!! In walks my oldest, Madeline. Thinking extremely quickly, my genius solution is to lock eyes with her, and perform some sort of mother-jedi-mind-trick that will hold her focus so she doesn't see her mother in this state. (neon pink mousse, X, etc., and now...flop sweat). She asks me some random question and I dismiss her, without so much as blinking. Holy shit!!! It worked!!! I think gleefully, as she turns on her heels and heads back to bed.

Half a second later, she turns back around. Squinting in disdain she says, "uh, mom. By-the-way...you have pink stuff all over your privates" before heading haughtily out of my room.