Gals, remember Nair hair removal cream? Sure you do! Did it ever really work? Hells no, but we kept trying anyway, didn't we? Well...
Not too long ago my husband and I were getting ready to take a real vacation together, without kids. I was at the drug store picking up stuff, when I saw the classic icon of 1970s sexiness, NAIR. Only now, friends, it is "new and improved". Hmm, I thought. I'm game. And tossed it in my cart. It wasn't long before I was home and on the phone with my mother, telling her about my fabulous purchase. (Now to properly hear my mother's voice in your head, you need the right amount of OVER annunciation, a touch of Queens, and an undercurrent of negativity/doom/patron ism). "You know" she begins, "you should probably test that stuff at home FIRST, before trying it on vacation. You never know what the sun could do to that skin". I thought the woman had a point.
That night, once all my kids were sleeping soundly, I took out my Nair and started on my hairless-sexy-vacation-ready skin experiment. First, the bikini area, so off come the clothes. I shake up the Nair and puff some into my palm. Guess what? It's NEON PINK. "whatevs" I shrug to myself, and dab it on my bikini area. I think I should probably do my armpits, too, so again, neon pink mousse on each underarm. I look again at the "new and improved" directions. They clearly state that no extra skin (or clothes) should come in contact. So, I spread my arms wide, spread my legs wide, and stand in an "X". Step 2 of directions state I should remain in said "X" position for TWELVE minutes. Gulp. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. So I stand in my bathroom, covered in neon pink fluff, in an "X".
What's that I hear? Of course it is!!! In walks my oldest, Madeline. Thinking extremely quickly, my genius solution is to lock eyes with her, and perform some sort of mother-jedi-mind-trick that will hold her focus so she doesn't see her mother in this state. (neon pink mousse, X, etc., and now...flop sweat). She asks me some random question and I dismiss her, without so much as blinking. Holy shit!!! It worked!!! I think gleefully, as she turns on her heels and heads back to bed.
Half a second later, she turns back around. Squinting in disdain she says, "uh, mom. By-the-way...you have pink stuff all over your privates" before heading haughtily out of my room.
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Love it! I know my alone time are numbered! Funny Nair story - Back in the day the bottles used to read "Nair Mousse" and below in much smaller letters, "hair removal" Well, my cousin, who has the most lovely but at times unruly red curly hair, saw said "mousse" in my aunt's bathroom and proceeded to use it as such. It wasn't long (thankfully) that she walked in the room and my aunt caught a whiff - which one knows that Nair has a VERY distinct scent - and they got her hair washed out. She was left with a small nearly bald spot near her crown and wore a pony tail for a month : ) Dangerous stuff! However, did it work??!! : )
ReplyDeleteFrom this point on and for evermore whenever your name is raised or referenced in any way, I shall envision you in said "X" with pink fluff in all the key areas. It is an image that will both entertain and haunt me from now until eternity. Love the blog....
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