Here are some useful phrases either I have coined, or dear members of my family have. We use them constantly, sometimes forgetting others may not understand their meaning. I am now sharing them with you. Feel free to incorporate them into your vernacular!
1) "Crying in my own business" - when you cry quietly and secretively, so nobody else will know (ie in the bathroom, at your desk at work, looking out an airplane window, etc.)
2) "Exercise hangover" (also "Food hangover") - that disgusting, spent feeling as if you have a hangover. Only no alcohol was consumed. You either worked out too hard, or ate too much. With an exercise hangover, you feel exhausted even after a nap, and are also usually dehydrated. (But hell, I'm no doctor).
3) "baluga'd" - as in a beluga whale; you achieve this state from eating and drinking waaaayyy too much. You become sluggish, full, and feel generally gross. (After Thanksgiving feast, at a Southern style buffet, etc.)
4) "bing-bong" - a)the puffy, circular pads on certain animal breeds' cheeks, between their lips and noses, and usually contain whiskers. "bing-bongs" are most often found on pugs, Boston terriers, French bulldogs, and pekingese, but are also found on manatees. b) any type of dog that has "bing -bongs"
5) "FaRT" - family reading time. When everyone piles into one bed and has individual silent reading. Also known as a "Reading Party"
6) "Dance Attack" - the phenomenon that causes people (usually kids, but sometimes adults) to break into dance, often for no reason and without music. Can spot a Dance Attack at festivals, birthday parties, playgrounds, etc.
7) "Baby Brain" - the phenomenon that causes a child or adult of normal intelligence to do something incredibly stupid, and with zero forethought. ie - drawing on a wall, cutting your own hair, doodling on your jeans, etc.
8) "hypnotized" - the mental state that ensues when a child is watching television, and therefore cannot be expected to interact with their world around them. ie - Bobby! I told you five times we gotta go!! Sorry, mom, I was hypnotized.
9) "wrestle time" - the time of day when the twins wrestle/fight/roll around; also known as horseplay; also known as "homoerotic playtime".
10) "forced socializing" - any "social" event that you are obligated to do, because it's probably not with "friends", but coworkers, clients, etc.
11) "dirty burp" or "wet burp" - when you burp and accidentally a little vomit comes up. Comedian that slips my name called them "vurps" (vomit/burps).
12) "magel" - a piece of hair or fuzz that gets stuck on your tongue/in your mouth
13) "finky" - a) a nerdy, prissy, dweeby, annoying person. To replace the bigoted, politically incorrect "faggy". Based on 1950's vernacular "fink". b) anything that is nerdy, prissy, dweeby in style.
14) "gudgeous" or "gudgey" - something or someone incredibly sweet and endearing. ie I thought that old man would be rude, but he was a gudgey. Look at this koala! it's so gudgeous!
15) "E.D. " - emergency diarrhea. self explanatory.
16) "The Brener" - the part of your dishwasher where your cutlery goes. It's hinged and has ovals and slots. Named for the people who had to tell us what that part of the dishwasher is for.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Enough
Every summer my husband and I pack up the kids (and my mom) and drive down to the beach for a conference he attends there. During the mornings, he's in classes (we're at the beach/pool), and at night, there are different "forced socializing" events held by the Banks and/or Trust Companies to wine-and-dine the attorneys.
As previously discussed, small talk at these events is NOT my forte. I've been out of the workforce for a million years, don't golf or play tennis, and generally have scant little in common with any of the people at these functions. The best I can do to not embarrass my husband or myself is to stand with a cocktail, nod and smile at whomever is talking to me, and wait for an appropriate moment to make a graceful exit. This social model has served me well time-and -time again. Except for: THE SIT DOWN DINNER.
At THE SIT DOWN DINNER, my husband and I arrive at the restaurant dressed beautifully. We are immediately greeted by our charming host and his elegant wife, who make pleasantries and hand me a cocktail. So far, so good. Of course, as an adult, it is my job to judge when I've had "enough" to drink. Yet for some reason, on this particular evening, the signal for when I've had "enough" became hard to spot.
Before Larry and I are escorted to our assigned seats at THE SIT DOWN DINNER, the mingling continues over cocktails. I wonder to myself, "is this the 2nd or 3rd Bourbon and Coke I've consumed?" THAT should have been the signal I've had "enough". But sadly, it wasn't.
We then go to our assigned table for dinner. I'm against the wall, with Larry across from me and said "charming host" to my right. Wine is poured, food is served. I wonder to myself, "what did I order again???". THAT should have been the signal I've had "enough". But sadly, it wasn't.
The entree comes (oh, yay! I ordered the fish!), more wine is poured. I'm engaged in conversation with my table-buddies and proceed to knock over my glass of wine. "Charming Host" quickly righted my glass and nobody was the wiser. Again, THAT should have been the signal I've indeed had "enough". Sigh. It wasn't.
The piece de resistance was just before dessert was served. I looked down at my charger plate, and saw a puddle. A puddle from the wine I had earlier spilled. A puddle that would prevent me from putting dessert onto that plate. Brainstorm! I pick up the charger plate and tilt it, slowly dripping and spilling the red wine that had puddled in it onto the white table cloth of the SIT DOWN DINNER'S table.
THAT was the signal my husband and I BOTH needed to indicate that I finally had "ENOUGH".
As previously discussed, small talk at these events is NOT my forte. I've been out of the workforce for a million years, don't golf or play tennis, and generally have scant little in common with any of the people at these functions. The best I can do to not embarrass my husband or myself is to stand with a cocktail, nod and smile at whomever is talking to me, and wait for an appropriate moment to make a graceful exit. This social model has served me well time-and -time again. Except for: THE SIT DOWN DINNER.
At THE SIT DOWN DINNER, my husband and I arrive at the restaurant dressed beautifully. We are immediately greeted by our charming host and his elegant wife, who make pleasantries and hand me a cocktail. So far, so good. Of course, as an adult, it is my job to judge when I've had "enough" to drink. Yet for some reason, on this particular evening, the signal for when I've had "enough" became hard to spot.
Before Larry and I are escorted to our assigned seats at THE SIT DOWN DINNER, the mingling continues over cocktails. I wonder to myself, "is this the 2nd or 3rd Bourbon and Coke I've consumed?" THAT should have been the signal I've had "enough". But sadly, it wasn't.
We then go to our assigned table for dinner. I'm against the wall, with Larry across from me and said "charming host" to my right. Wine is poured, food is served. I wonder to myself, "what did I order again???". THAT should have been the signal I've had "enough". But sadly, it wasn't.
The entree comes (oh, yay! I ordered the fish!), more wine is poured. I'm engaged in conversation with my table-buddies and proceed to knock over my glass of wine. "Charming Host" quickly righted my glass and nobody was the wiser. Again, THAT should have been the signal I've indeed had "enough". Sigh. It wasn't.
The piece de resistance was just before dessert was served. I looked down at my charger plate, and saw a puddle. A puddle from the wine I had earlier spilled. A puddle that would prevent me from putting dessert onto that plate. Brainstorm! I pick up the charger plate and tilt it, slowly dripping and spilling the red wine that had puddled in it onto the white table cloth of the SIT DOWN DINNER'S table.
THAT was the signal my husband and I BOTH needed to indicate that I finally had "ENOUGH".
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Sing Along
Tomorrow we pick up our four children from a month in North Carolina. Seriously, I can't wait. But of course, I started to digress in my thinking to all those wonderful songs we learned at camp (or on the streets) during our so crucial formative years. After laughing till I cried at midnight last night (sorry, Larry!), here's a countdown of my all time favorites, complete with lyrics (as I remember them. Some of these may be "regional", so forgive any self indulgence) ALSO, I feel it's important to note in case anyone from Human Services is reading this that I do NOT condone my children singing these songs . In public:
7) Trick-or-Treat
Trick or treat!
Smell my feet!
Give me something good to eat!
If you don't, I don't care!
I'll pull down your underwear!
* Nice! sexual assault for candy
6) Jingle Bells (sung to tune of Jingle Bells)
Jingle Bells! Batman Smells! Robin laid an egg.
The Batmobile lost its wheel
And the Joker ran away.
5) Dandelion Chant (done while holding a dandelion with your thumb on the flower)
Momma had a baby and its head popped off! (upon which you flick the head of the flower off)
* This particular gruesome imagery may very well be local to New York. Or maybe my sister and I invented it. Not sure. But worth mentioning.
4) Addam's Family "remix" Sung to the tune of the Addam's Family. Now, many of you will know the first verse. However, I've included the lesser known second verse for your enjoyment.
The Addam's family started
When Uncle Fester farted
They all became retarded
The Addam's family!
The house is made of sh*t
And so is Cousin It
Morticia sucks her t*t
The Addam's family!
3) Under the Cherry Tree sung with a reggae beat. *I must note that I don't remember this entire song. Maybe one of my reader's can complete for me?
Under the cherry Tree (da da da da da da)
That's where she showed "it" to me!
It was hairy and black, and it had a crack
Under the cherry tree!
I took out my hairy banana
Under the cherry tree!
(that's all I remember. I must have been so traumatized by the vision of a hairy "banana" that I've buried this one deep in my subconscious. Anyway, I do remember as a young woman being more than relieved to learn that a man's "banana" isn't actually hairy. TMI? sorry.
2) Rupture (chanted) *this song is sort of a spin off, or an homage to the #1 classic vulgar tune of childhood. I must also add that it's probably my husband's fave. EVERYBODY, NOW:
When you're climbing up a rail
And your balls hit a nail
It's a rupture!
When you're sliding into "first"
And you feel something burst
It's a rupture!
When you try to climb a ladder
And you feel something splatter
It's a rupture!
1) Diarrhea!
*The classic "camp" song! I'm sure there are infinite versus - some homegrown, some more standardized. My kids sang this to me thinking they were the first to hear it. And guess what? My mother new this song, too! It's as timeless as they come...sniff...
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
You can tell by the smell
Someone's not feeling well!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Some people think it's funny
But it's really brown and runny!
I hope you've all enjoyed this trip down memory lane as much as I have. These songs still tickle my funny bone, bring me back in time to the "back of the bus" where all the cool kids sat, have zero redeemable social value, and are sure to survive the test of time.
7) Trick-or-Treat
Trick or treat!
Smell my feet!
Give me something good to eat!
If you don't, I don't care!
I'll pull down your underwear!
* Nice! sexual assault for candy
6) Jingle Bells (sung to tune of Jingle Bells)
Jingle Bells! Batman Smells! Robin laid an egg.
The Batmobile lost its wheel
And the Joker ran away.
5) Dandelion Chant (done while holding a dandelion with your thumb on the flower)
Momma had a baby and its head popped off! (upon which you flick the head of the flower off)
* This particular gruesome imagery may very well be local to New York. Or maybe my sister and I invented it. Not sure. But worth mentioning.
4) Addam's Family "remix" Sung to the tune of the Addam's Family. Now, many of you will know the first verse. However, I've included the lesser known second verse for your enjoyment.
The Addam's family started
When Uncle Fester farted
They all became retarded
The Addam's family!
The house is made of sh*t
And so is Cousin It
Morticia sucks her t*t
The Addam's family!
3) Under the Cherry Tree sung with a reggae beat. *I must note that I don't remember this entire song. Maybe one of my reader's can complete for me?
Under the cherry Tree (da da da da da da)
That's where she showed "it" to me!
It was hairy and black, and it had a crack
Under the cherry tree!
I took out my hairy banana
Under the cherry tree!
(that's all I remember. I must have been so traumatized by the vision of a hairy "banana" that I've buried this one deep in my subconscious. Anyway, I do remember as a young woman being more than relieved to learn that a man's "banana" isn't actually hairy. TMI? sorry.
2) Rupture (chanted) *this song is sort of a spin off, or an homage to the #1 classic vulgar tune of childhood. I must also add that it's probably my husband's fave. EVERYBODY, NOW:
When you're climbing up a rail
And your balls hit a nail
It's a rupture!
When you're sliding into "first"
And you feel something burst
It's a rupture!
When you try to climb a ladder
And you feel something splatter
It's a rupture!
1) Diarrhea!
*The classic "camp" song! I'm sure there are infinite versus - some homegrown, some more standardized. My kids sang this to me thinking they were the first to hear it. And guess what? My mother new this song, too! It's as timeless as they come...sniff...
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
You can tell by the smell
Someone's not feeling well!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Some people think it's funny
But it's really brown and runny!
I hope you've all enjoyed this trip down memory lane as much as I have. These songs still tickle my funny bone, bring me back in time to the "back of the bus" where all the cool kids sat, have zero redeemable social value, and are sure to survive the test of time.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Get the Soap...
Hello, everybody!
My kids are all at camp, and I miss them dearly. I was thinking how fast they've grown. And with that comes the responsibility of watching what you say. It was a sad day when we had to limit our listening to 50 Cent to times when the kids weren't in the car. But then again, hearing the "N bomb" or "mother effer" coming out of my beautiful baby girl's mouth just felt DIRTY.
I have washed my boys' mouth out with soap for them repeating the word "penis". Not because it's a bad word, but because they were standing on either side of their 7-year old sister, thrusting, and saying "penis" over and over until she cried. They've since changed the word to "weenis", as if I wouldn't know what they were referring to. And aside from the slam to my intelligence, all has been fine.
Then there was the time I was working in my office, on the computer. Harrison was laying on the floor at my side, coloring. He was 3 years old. I'm typing, he's coloring, and I hear out of his precious mouth "cluuuusssssterfuuuuck". Say what?! I ignored that one, thinking if I gave it energy it would sprout wings and fly.
I've had notes sent home from Dean's teacher complaining of potty mouth (the word he used that day was "butt-face"), Madeline asked a chaperon on a 5th grade field trip what a "condom" was (apparently there was a dispenser in the public bathroom they were using), Avery sang a song to me that had the word "ballsack" in it (I'm still traumatized by that one).
Now, here's the fun part...
tell me what's the FILTHIEST, WORST thing you've heard your kid say? C'mon, share! It's fun and therapeutic...
My kids are all at camp, and I miss them dearly. I was thinking how fast they've grown. And with that comes the responsibility of watching what you say. It was a sad day when we had to limit our listening to 50 Cent to times when the kids weren't in the car. But then again, hearing the "N bomb" or "mother effer" coming out of my beautiful baby girl's mouth just felt DIRTY.
I have washed my boys' mouth out with soap for them repeating the word "penis". Not because it's a bad word, but because they were standing on either side of their 7-year old sister, thrusting, and saying "penis" over and over until she cried. They've since changed the word to "weenis", as if I wouldn't know what they were referring to. And aside from the slam to my intelligence, all has been fine.
Then there was the time I was working in my office, on the computer. Harrison was laying on the floor at my side, coloring. He was 3 years old. I'm typing, he's coloring, and I hear out of his precious mouth "cluuuusssssterfuuuuck". Say what?! I ignored that one, thinking if I gave it energy it would sprout wings and fly.
I've had notes sent home from Dean's teacher complaining of potty mouth (the word he used that day was "butt-face"), Madeline asked a chaperon on a 5th grade field trip what a "condom" was (apparently there was a dispenser in the public bathroom they were using), Avery sang a song to me that had the word "ballsack" in it (I'm still traumatized by that one).
Now, here's the fun part...
tell me what's the FILTHIEST, WORST thing you've heard your kid say? C'mon, share! It's fun and therapeutic...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Secret Handshake
Here's the twins' Secret Handshake:
start facing each other, then...
shake twice with your right hand, shake twice with your left
low-five with your right hand, low-five with your left
high-five right, high-five left
then be the first to kick your brother in the 'nads.
start facing each other, then...
shake twice with your right hand, shake twice with your left
low-five with your right hand, low-five with your left
high-five right, high-five left
then be the first to kick your brother in the 'nads.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Know Your Audience
To many, I am outgoing and funny. But in certain social settings, I can be very shy. I'm not that great at "small talk", and to overcompensate, I can put my foot in my mouth. One thing I constantly do is misjudge my crowd in terms of what is appropriate humor or a "comedy killer". Add a libation or two, and my humor is often met with the proverbial "crickets chirping".
1) When I first moved to Atlanta, I got a job at an EXTREMELY southern financial institution. It was employed by EXTREMELY southern young belles, ex-athletes, and good-Ole-boys. We would all sit in a communal room, separated by half-partitions. When it was a slow time, we would stand up to kid around and talk, like a bunch of whack-a-moles. During one such slow spot, an EXTREMELY southern young lady stands up and shares, "Y'all, when I was in sorority at Ole Miss, it was considered unladylike to stand and hold a beer while talking to a guy" and sits back down. So I popped up and added, "Yeah, I can really relate. Cuz when I was in college in New York, it was considered unladylike to actually MOUNT a guy while holding a beer." CRICKETS
2) Some dear friends of mine decided to throw me a "congratulations on my Black Belt" party, in conjunction with a mutual friends' Going Away party. There was an odd mix of my friends, their friends, and his friends at this party but hey - alcohol makes for strong glue. The host of the party was pouring a small group of us drinks, and holding court. He was telling some guys about a friend of theirs who ended up in jail. The host turns to me and explains that this guy was a part-time magician who got heavily into cocaine, and was eventually busted on possession charges. "Wow!!!" I giggled "That must have been some cavity search! What did they do - pull a rainbow scarf out of his ass?!" and actually MIMED said pulling of scarf out of said ass. CRICKETS
3) Later, at THE SAME PARTY, we all retired to the screened in porch. Polite conversation was being volleyed from one side of the room to the other, and all across. One buddy mentioned he went to a small private school called Choate. From across the porch another man commented "I didn't know you went to Choate. I heard Jamie Lee Curtis went to Choate." "Yeah", my buddy answered. "But it was a looong time ago". "Yeah!!" I chimed in. "It was SO long ago, Jamie Lee Curtis still had a PENIS!" CRICKETS
1) When I first moved to Atlanta, I got a job at an EXTREMELY southern financial institution. It was employed by EXTREMELY southern young belles, ex-athletes, and good-Ole-boys. We would all sit in a communal room, separated by half-partitions. When it was a slow time, we would stand up to kid around and talk, like a bunch of whack-a-moles. During one such slow spot, an EXTREMELY southern young lady stands up and shares, "Y'all, when I was in sorority at Ole Miss, it was considered unladylike to stand and hold a beer while talking to a guy" and sits back down. So I popped up and added, "Yeah, I can really relate. Cuz when I was in college in New York, it was considered unladylike to actually MOUNT a guy while holding a beer." CRICKETS
2) Some dear friends of mine decided to throw me a "congratulations on my Black Belt" party, in conjunction with a mutual friends' Going Away party. There was an odd mix of my friends, their friends, and his friends at this party but hey - alcohol makes for strong glue. The host of the party was pouring a small group of us drinks, and holding court. He was telling some guys about a friend of theirs who ended up in jail. The host turns to me and explains that this guy was a part-time magician who got heavily into cocaine, and was eventually busted on possession charges. "Wow!!!" I giggled "That must have been some cavity search! What did they do - pull a rainbow scarf out of his ass?!" and actually MIMED said pulling of scarf out of said ass. CRICKETS
3) Later, at THE SAME PARTY, we all retired to the screened in porch. Polite conversation was being volleyed from one side of the room to the other, and all across. One buddy mentioned he went to a small private school called Choate. From across the porch another man commented "I didn't know you went to Choate. I heard Jamie Lee Curtis went to Choate." "Yeah", my buddy answered. "But it was a looong time ago". "Yeah!!" I chimed in. "It was SO long ago, Jamie Lee Curtis still had a PENIS!" CRICKETS
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Both Sides of the Argument
As previously mentioned, I am a woman. I have all the "woman" parts, so technically, I know this to be true. I have conceived four children, birthed these four children, and even nursed these same four children. In fact, I have witnesses to all these events and whom can all corroborate my claim that yes, I am a Bona Fide female!
However, in the sake of fairness and good journalism, there are those who wish to refute this argument. Below are some of my nay sayers, and their statements.
Exhibit A) at a special-needs camp I volunteer for, I was having dinner with my all boy 12 year old campers. Their cabin had formed a Fraternity during the week, and one of these sweet boys asked me if I would be joining it. No, I gently replied. That's sort of "your thing", and besides, I said, a fraternity was technically for boys. "Yeaaaahhhh", he answered, "but you're not a 'real girl'". I cocked my head to question this, but instead was met with other 12 year old boys nodding in agreement.
Exhibit B) at the family dinner table, Dean poses: "Mom, were you always a girl? Or were you born a boy, but got "that operation"?
Exhibit C) when still teaching first grade, I asked a bunch of my kids if I was a boy a girl. NOOOooooo! They all giggled. Ok, ok. I corrected. I mean, am I a "man" or a "woman". NoooOOOOoooOOOO they all chanted again. Wait! I reminded them. I have to be one or the other. I have to be either a "man" or a "woman". One little girl raised her hand. "Noooo, Mrs.____. she laughed. You're not a "man" or a "woman". You're a MOM".
Exhibit D) leaving Epcot, my daughter Avery turns to me and asks, "mom, if you didn't shave, would you have a moustache?" I defensively told her I don't shave my face - only men do.
So there you have it. Decide for yourself. If you have pix of me, I dare you to zoom in real close and see if my parts are real. Well, most are, anyway ;)
However, in the sake of fairness and good journalism, there are those who wish to refute this argument. Below are some of my nay sayers, and their statements.
Exhibit A) at a special-needs camp I volunteer for, I was having dinner with my all boy 12 year old campers. Their cabin had formed a Fraternity during the week, and one of these sweet boys asked me if I would be joining it. No, I gently replied. That's sort of "your thing", and besides, I said, a fraternity was technically for boys. "Yeaaaahhhh", he answered, "but you're not a 'real girl'". I cocked my head to question this, but instead was met with other 12 year old boys nodding in agreement.
Exhibit B) at the family dinner table, Dean poses: "Mom, were you always a girl? Or were you born a boy, but got "that operation"?
Exhibit C) when still teaching first grade, I asked a bunch of my kids if I was a boy a girl. NOOOooooo! They all giggled. Ok, ok. I corrected. I mean, am I a "man" or a "woman". NoooOOOOoooOOOO they all chanted again. Wait! I reminded them. I have to be one or the other. I have to be either a "man" or a "woman". One little girl raised her hand. "Noooo, Mrs.____. she laughed. You're not a "man" or a "woman". You're a MOM".
Exhibit D) leaving Epcot, my daughter Avery turns to me and asks, "mom, if you didn't shave, would you have a moustache?" I defensively told her I don't shave my face - only men do.
So there you have it. Decide for yourself. If you have pix of me, I dare you to zoom in real close and see if my parts are real. Well, most are, anyway ;)
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