Hello and happy holidays! I'm sure you've all been bombarded with holiday music everywhere you go, and most of it, well, sucks. Here is a list of my Top 10 favorite UNSUCKEY holiday songs, in no particular order. Plus, a few "bonuses" that technically aren't Christmas songs, but mention Christmas and have that holiday vibe.
1) Merry Christmas/I Don't Want to Fight - The Ramones
2) Little Drummer Boy - Bing Crosby/David Bowie
3) Baby Please Come Home - U2
4) Christmas Rapping - The Waitresses
5) Santa Clause is Coming to Town - Bruce Springsteen (though this is getting OLD)
6) The Hanukkah Song - Adam Sandler
7) D*ck in a Box - Andy Sandberg/Justin Timberlake
8) Happy Xmas - John and Yoko
9) Blue Christmas - Elvis
10) Christmas in Hollis - Run DMC
BONUS:
* Ave Maria - Chris Cornell
* Two Thousand Miles - The Pretenders
* Fairytale of New York - The Pogues
Happy Listening, happy healthy holidays to you and yours!!!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Pretty Sure I'm Not Human
Hello and happy holidays! Inspiration (ie COMPULSION) always strikes at the strangest times. Today, after a LOOONNNGG dryspell, I started coming up with a mental list. Maybe the yearend is making me take stock, maybe all my "to do" lists triggered something. More likely, however, I was thinking of the things I SHOULD DO and things I DID THAT REALLY DIDN'T LIVE UP TO THEIR HYPE. So I started mentally ticking off the movies EVERYONE'S seen that I haven't. And then the books/movies I read/saw that EVERYONE loved, but left me saying BFD. So feel free to wonder, like I have, if I'm actually even HUMAN, or maybe I'm missing a crutial DNA that everyone else seems to have IN SPADES.
MOVIES I'VE NEVER SEEN:
1) Godfather (any), Goodfellas, Scarface - just too violent
2) Star Trek (any)
3) Rocky (any)
4) Casablanca
5) Gone With the Wind - just too damn long.
6) Fletch
7) whatever the movie is where Meryl streep says , "The dingos took my baby". And let me say, if a dingo DOES really take her baby I do NOT want to EVER see this movie. And it's not the least bit funny.
8) Deliverance
9) Sex and the City
10) It's a Wonderful Life
11) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
12) James Bond - that's right NONE
BOOKS/MOVIES I FOUND MEDIOCRE AT BEST:
1) Bridges of Madison County
2) The Lovely Bones - where's the JUSTICE!?!
3) The Shawshank Redemption
4) The Art of Racing in the Rain - again...JUSTICE?!?!
5) Erin Brockovich
6) The Blindside - Hallmark movie of the week, in my opinion
7) Tuesdays With Morrie
MOVIES I'VE NEVER SEEN:
1) Godfather (any), Goodfellas, Scarface - just too violent
2) Star Trek (any)
3) Rocky (any)
4) Casablanca
5) Gone With the Wind - just too damn long.
6) Fletch
7) whatever the movie is where Meryl streep says , "The dingos took my baby". And let me say, if a dingo DOES really take her baby I do NOT want to EVER see this movie. And it's not the least bit funny.
8) Deliverance
9) Sex and the City
10) It's a Wonderful Life
11) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
12) James Bond - that's right NONE
BOOKS/MOVIES I FOUND MEDIOCRE AT BEST:
1) Bridges of Madison County
2) The Lovely Bones - where's the JUSTICE!?!
3) The Shawshank Redemption
4) The Art of Racing in the Rain - again...JUSTICE?!?!
5) Erin Brockovich
6) The Blindside - Hallmark movie of the week, in my opinion
7) Tuesdays With Morrie
Monday, August 9, 2010
Coining a Term
Here are some useful phrases either I have coined, or dear members of my family have. We use them constantly, sometimes forgetting others may not understand their meaning. I am now sharing them with you. Feel free to incorporate them into your vernacular!
1) "Crying in my own business" - when you cry quietly and secretively, so nobody else will know (ie in the bathroom, at your desk at work, looking out an airplane window, etc.)
2) "Exercise hangover" (also "Food hangover") - that disgusting, spent feeling as if you have a hangover. Only no alcohol was consumed. You either worked out too hard, or ate too much. With an exercise hangover, you feel exhausted even after a nap, and are also usually dehydrated. (But hell, I'm no doctor).
3) "baluga'd" - as in a beluga whale; you achieve this state from eating and drinking waaaayyy too much. You become sluggish, full, and feel generally gross. (After Thanksgiving feast, at a Southern style buffet, etc.)
4) "bing-bong" - a)the puffy, circular pads on certain animal breeds' cheeks, between their lips and noses, and usually contain whiskers. "bing-bongs" are most often found on pugs, Boston terriers, French bulldogs, and pekingese, but are also found on manatees. b) any type of dog that has "bing -bongs"
5) "FaRT" - family reading time. When everyone piles into one bed and has individual silent reading. Also known as a "Reading Party"
6) "Dance Attack" - the phenomenon that causes people (usually kids, but sometimes adults) to break into dance, often for no reason and without music. Can spot a Dance Attack at festivals, birthday parties, playgrounds, etc.
7) "Baby Brain" - the phenomenon that causes a child or adult of normal intelligence to do something incredibly stupid, and with zero forethought. ie - drawing on a wall, cutting your own hair, doodling on your jeans, etc.
8) "hypnotized" - the mental state that ensues when a child is watching television, and therefore cannot be expected to interact with their world around them. ie - Bobby! I told you five times we gotta go!! Sorry, mom, I was hypnotized.
9) "wrestle time" - the time of day when the twins wrestle/fight/roll around; also known as horseplay; also known as "homoerotic playtime".
10) "forced socializing" - any "social" event that you are obligated to do, because it's probably not with "friends", but coworkers, clients, etc.
11) "dirty burp" or "wet burp" - when you burp and accidentally a little vomit comes up. Comedian that slips my name called them "vurps" (vomit/burps).
12) "magel" - a piece of hair or fuzz that gets stuck on your tongue/in your mouth
13) "finky" - a) a nerdy, prissy, dweeby, annoying person. To replace the bigoted, politically incorrect "faggy". Based on 1950's vernacular "fink". b) anything that is nerdy, prissy, dweeby in style.
14) "gudgeous" or "gudgey" - something or someone incredibly sweet and endearing. ie I thought that old man would be rude, but he was a gudgey. Look at this koala! it's so gudgeous!
15) "E.D. " - emergency diarrhea. self explanatory.
16) "The Brener" - the part of your dishwasher where your cutlery goes. It's hinged and has ovals and slots. Named for the people who had to tell us what that part of the dishwasher is for.
1) "Crying in my own business" - when you cry quietly and secretively, so nobody else will know (ie in the bathroom, at your desk at work, looking out an airplane window, etc.)
2) "Exercise hangover" (also "Food hangover") - that disgusting, spent feeling as if you have a hangover. Only no alcohol was consumed. You either worked out too hard, or ate too much. With an exercise hangover, you feel exhausted even after a nap, and are also usually dehydrated. (But hell, I'm no doctor).
3) "baluga'd" - as in a beluga whale; you achieve this state from eating and drinking waaaayyy too much. You become sluggish, full, and feel generally gross. (After Thanksgiving feast, at a Southern style buffet, etc.)
4) "bing-bong" - a)the puffy, circular pads on certain animal breeds' cheeks, between their lips and noses, and usually contain whiskers. "bing-bongs" are most often found on pugs, Boston terriers, French bulldogs, and pekingese, but are also found on manatees. b) any type of dog that has "bing -bongs"
5) "FaRT" - family reading time. When everyone piles into one bed and has individual silent reading. Also known as a "Reading Party"
6) "Dance Attack" - the phenomenon that causes people (usually kids, but sometimes adults) to break into dance, often for no reason and without music. Can spot a Dance Attack at festivals, birthday parties, playgrounds, etc.
7) "Baby Brain" - the phenomenon that causes a child or adult of normal intelligence to do something incredibly stupid, and with zero forethought. ie - drawing on a wall, cutting your own hair, doodling on your jeans, etc.
8) "hypnotized" - the mental state that ensues when a child is watching television, and therefore cannot be expected to interact with their world around them. ie - Bobby! I told you five times we gotta go!! Sorry, mom, I was hypnotized.
9) "wrestle time" - the time of day when the twins wrestle/fight/roll around; also known as horseplay; also known as "homoerotic playtime".
10) "forced socializing" - any "social" event that you are obligated to do, because it's probably not with "friends", but coworkers, clients, etc.
11) "dirty burp" or "wet burp" - when you burp and accidentally a little vomit comes up. Comedian that slips my name called them "vurps" (vomit/burps).
12) "magel" - a piece of hair or fuzz that gets stuck on your tongue/in your mouth
13) "finky" - a) a nerdy, prissy, dweeby, annoying person. To replace the bigoted, politically incorrect "faggy". Based on 1950's vernacular "fink". b) anything that is nerdy, prissy, dweeby in style.
14) "gudgeous" or "gudgey" - something or someone incredibly sweet and endearing. ie I thought that old man would be rude, but he was a gudgey. Look at this koala! it's so gudgeous!
15) "E.D. " - emergency diarrhea. self explanatory.
16) "The Brener" - the part of your dishwasher where your cutlery goes. It's hinged and has ovals and slots. Named for the people who had to tell us what that part of the dishwasher is for.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Enough
Every summer my husband and I pack up the kids (and my mom) and drive down to the beach for a conference he attends there. During the mornings, he's in classes (we're at the beach/pool), and at night, there are different "forced socializing" events held by the Banks and/or Trust Companies to wine-and-dine the attorneys.
As previously discussed, small talk at these events is NOT my forte. I've been out of the workforce for a million years, don't golf or play tennis, and generally have scant little in common with any of the people at these functions. The best I can do to not embarrass my husband or myself is to stand with a cocktail, nod and smile at whomever is talking to me, and wait for an appropriate moment to make a graceful exit. This social model has served me well time-and -time again. Except for: THE SIT DOWN DINNER.
At THE SIT DOWN DINNER, my husband and I arrive at the restaurant dressed beautifully. We are immediately greeted by our charming host and his elegant wife, who make pleasantries and hand me a cocktail. So far, so good. Of course, as an adult, it is my job to judge when I've had "enough" to drink. Yet for some reason, on this particular evening, the signal for when I've had "enough" became hard to spot.
Before Larry and I are escorted to our assigned seats at THE SIT DOWN DINNER, the mingling continues over cocktails. I wonder to myself, "is this the 2nd or 3rd Bourbon and Coke I've consumed?" THAT should have been the signal I've had "enough". But sadly, it wasn't.
We then go to our assigned table for dinner. I'm against the wall, with Larry across from me and said "charming host" to my right. Wine is poured, food is served. I wonder to myself, "what did I order again???". THAT should have been the signal I've had "enough". But sadly, it wasn't.
The entree comes (oh, yay! I ordered the fish!), more wine is poured. I'm engaged in conversation with my table-buddies and proceed to knock over my glass of wine. "Charming Host" quickly righted my glass and nobody was the wiser. Again, THAT should have been the signal I've indeed had "enough". Sigh. It wasn't.
The piece de resistance was just before dessert was served. I looked down at my charger plate, and saw a puddle. A puddle from the wine I had earlier spilled. A puddle that would prevent me from putting dessert onto that plate. Brainstorm! I pick up the charger plate and tilt it, slowly dripping and spilling the red wine that had puddled in it onto the white table cloth of the SIT DOWN DINNER'S table.
THAT was the signal my husband and I BOTH needed to indicate that I finally had "ENOUGH".
As previously discussed, small talk at these events is NOT my forte. I've been out of the workforce for a million years, don't golf or play tennis, and generally have scant little in common with any of the people at these functions. The best I can do to not embarrass my husband or myself is to stand with a cocktail, nod and smile at whomever is talking to me, and wait for an appropriate moment to make a graceful exit. This social model has served me well time-and -time again. Except for: THE SIT DOWN DINNER.
At THE SIT DOWN DINNER, my husband and I arrive at the restaurant dressed beautifully. We are immediately greeted by our charming host and his elegant wife, who make pleasantries and hand me a cocktail. So far, so good. Of course, as an adult, it is my job to judge when I've had "enough" to drink. Yet for some reason, on this particular evening, the signal for when I've had "enough" became hard to spot.
Before Larry and I are escorted to our assigned seats at THE SIT DOWN DINNER, the mingling continues over cocktails. I wonder to myself, "is this the 2nd or 3rd Bourbon and Coke I've consumed?" THAT should have been the signal I've had "enough". But sadly, it wasn't.
We then go to our assigned table for dinner. I'm against the wall, with Larry across from me and said "charming host" to my right. Wine is poured, food is served. I wonder to myself, "what did I order again???". THAT should have been the signal I've had "enough". But sadly, it wasn't.
The entree comes (oh, yay! I ordered the fish!), more wine is poured. I'm engaged in conversation with my table-buddies and proceed to knock over my glass of wine. "Charming Host" quickly righted my glass and nobody was the wiser. Again, THAT should have been the signal I've indeed had "enough". Sigh. It wasn't.
The piece de resistance was just before dessert was served. I looked down at my charger plate, and saw a puddle. A puddle from the wine I had earlier spilled. A puddle that would prevent me from putting dessert onto that plate. Brainstorm! I pick up the charger plate and tilt it, slowly dripping and spilling the red wine that had puddled in it onto the white table cloth of the SIT DOWN DINNER'S table.
THAT was the signal my husband and I BOTH needed to indicate that I finally had "ENOUGH".
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Sing Along
Tomorrow we pick up our four children from a month in North Carolina. Seriously, I can't wait. But of course, I started to digress in my thinking to all those wonderful songs we learned at camp (or on the streets) during our so crucial formative years. After laughing till I cried at midnight last night (sorry, Larry!), here's a countdown of my all time favorites, complete with lyrics (as I remember them. Some of these may be "regional", so forgive any self indulgence) ALSO, I feel it's important to note in case anyone from Human Services is reading this that I do NOT condone my children singing these songs . In public:
7) Trick-or-Treat
Trick or treat!
Smell my feet!
Give me something good to eat!
If you don't, I don't care!
I'll pull down your underwear!
* Nice! sexual assault for candy
6) Jingle Bells (sung to tune of Jingle Bells)
Jingle Bells! Batman Smells! Robin laid an egg.
The Batmobile lost its wheel
And the Joker ran away.
5) Dandelion Chant (done while holding a dandelion with your thumb on the flower)
Momma had a baby and its head popped off! (upon which you flick the head of the flower off)
* This particular gruesome imagery may very well be local to New York. Or maybe my sister and I invented it. Not sure. But worth mentioning.
4) Addam's Family "remix" Sung to the tune of the Addam's Family. Now, many of you will know the first verse. However, I've included the lesser known second verse for your enjoyment.
The Addam's family started
When Uncle Fester farted
They all became retarded
The Addam's family!
The house is made of sh*t
And so is Cousin It
Morticia sucks her t*t
The Addam's family!
3) Under the Cherry Tree sung with a reggae beat. *I must note that I don't remember this entire song. Maybe one of my reader's can complete for me?
Under the cherry Tree (da da da da da da)
That's where she showed "it" to me!
It was hairy and black, and it had a crack
Under the cherry tree!
I took out my hairy banana
Under the cherry tree!
(that's all I remember. I must have been so traumatized by the vision of a hairy "banana" that I've buried this one deep in my subconscious. Anyway, I do remember as a young woman being more than relieved to learn that a man's "banana" isn't actually hairy. TMI? sorry.
2) Rupture (chanted) *this song is sort of a spin off, or an homage to the #1 classic vulgar tune of childhood. I must also add that it's probably my husband's fave. EVERYBODY, NOW:
When you're climbing up a rail
And your balls hit a nail
It's a rupture!
When you're sliding into "first"
And you feel something burst
It's a rupture!
When you try to climb a ladder
And you feel something splatter
It's a rupture!
1) Diarrhea!
*The classic "camp" song! I'm sure there are infinite versus - some homegrown, some more standardized. My kids sang this to me thinking they were the first to hear it. And guess what? My mother new this song, too! It's as timeless as they come...sniff...
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
You can tell by the smell
Someone's not feeling well!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Some people think it's funny
But it's really brown and runny!
I hope you've all enjoyed this trip down memory lane as much as I have. These songs still tickle my funny bone, bring me back in time to the "back of the bus" where all the cool kids sat, have zero redeemable social value, and are sure to survive the test of time.
7) Trick-or-Treat
Trick or treat!
Smell my feet!
Give me something good to eat!
If you don't, I don't care!
I'll pull down your underwear!
* Nice! sexual assault for candy
6) Jingle Bells (sung to tune of Jingle Bells)
Jingle Bells! Batman Smells! Robin laid an egg.
The Batmobile lost its wheel
And the Joker ran away.
5) Dandelion Chant (done while holding a dandelion with your thumb on the flower)
Momma had a baby and its head popped off! (upon which you flick the head of the flower off)
* This particular gruesome imagery may very well be local to New York. Or maybe my sister and I invented it. Not sure. But worth mentioning.
4) Addam's Family "remix" Sung to the tune of the Addam's Family. Now, many of you will know the first verse. However, I've included the lesser known second verse for your enjoyment.
The Addam's family started
When Uncle Fester farted
They all became retarded
The Addam's family!
The house is made of sh*t
And so is Cousin It
Morticia sucks her t*t
The Addam's family!
3) Under the Cherry Tree sung with a reggae beat. *I must note that I don't remember this entire song. Maybe one of my reader's can complete for me?
Under the cherry Tree (da da da da da da)
That's where she showed "it" to me!
It was hairy and black, and it had a crack
Under the cherry tree!
I took out my hairy banana
Under the cherry tree!
(that's all I remember. I must have been so traumatized by the vision of a hairy "banana" that I've buried this one deep in my subconscious. Anyway, I do remember as a young woman being more than relieved to learn that a man's "banana" isn't actually hairy. TMI? sorry.
2) Rupture (chanted) *this song is sort of a spin off, or an homage to the #1 classic vulgar tune of childhood. I must also add that it's probably my husband's fave. EVERYBODY, NOW:
When you're climbing up a rail
And your balls hit a nail
It's a rupture!
When you're sliding into "first"
And you feel something burst
It's a rupture!
When you try to climb a ladder
And you feel something splatter
It's a rupture!
1) Diarrhea!
*The classic "camp" song! I'm sure there are infinite versus - some homegrown, some more standardized. My kids sang this to me thinking they were the first to hear it. And guess what? My mother new this song, too! It's as timeless as they come...sniff...
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
You can tell by the smell
Someone's not feeling well!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Diarrhea! cha cha cha!
Some people think it's funny
But it's really brown and runny!
I hope you've all enjoyed this trip down memory lane as much as I have. These songs still tickle my funny bone, bring me back in time to the "back of the bus" where all the cool kids sat, have zero redeemable social value, and are sure to survive the test of time.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Get the Soap...
Hello, everybody!
My kids are all at camp, and I miss them dearly. I was thinking how fast they've grown. And with that comes the responsibility of watching what you say. It was a sad day when we had to limit our listening to 50 Cent to times when the kids weren't in the car. But then again, hearing the "N bomb" or "mother effer" coming out of my beautiful baby girl's mouth just felt DIRTY.
I have washed my boys' mouth out with soap for them repeating the word "penis". Not because it's a bad word, but because they were standing on either side of their 7-year old sister, thrusting, and saying "penis" over and over until she cried. They've since changed the word to "weenis", as if I wouldn't know what they were referring to. And aside from the slam to my intelligence, all has been fine.
Then there was the time I was working in my office, on the computer. Harrison was laying on the floor at my side, coloring. He was 3 years old. I'm typing, he's coloring, and I hear out of his precious mouth "cluuuusssssterfuuuuck". Say what?! I ignored that one, thinking if I gave it energy it would sprout wings and fly.
I've had notes sent home from Dean's teacher complaining of potty mouth (the word he used that day was "butt-face"), Madeline asked a chaperon on a 5th grade field trip what a "condom" was (apparently there was a dispenser in the public bathroom they were using), Avery sang a song to me that had the word "ballsack" in it (I'm still traumatized by that one).
Now, here's the fun part...
tell me what's the FILTHIEST, WORST thing you've heard your kid say? C'mon, share! It's fun and therapeutic...
My kids are all at camp, and I miss them dearly. I was thinking how fast they've grown. And with that comes the responsibility of watching what you say. It was a sad day when we had to limit our listening to 50 Cent to times when the kids weren't in the car. But then again, hearing the "N bomb" or "mother effer" coming out of my beautiful baby girl's mouth just felt DIRTY.
I have washed my boys' mouth out with soap for them repeating the word "penis". Not because it's a bad word, but because they were standing on either side of their 7-year old sister, thrusting, and saying "penis" over and over until she cried. They've since changed the word to "weenis", as if I wouldn't know what they were referring to. And aside from the slam to my intelligence, all has been fine.
Then there was the time I was working in my office, on the computer. Harrison was laying on the floor at my side, coloring. He was 3 years old. I'm typing, he's coloring, and I hear out of his precious mouth "cluuuusssssterfuuuuck". Say what?! I ignored that one, thinking if I gave it energy it would sprout wings and fly.
I've had notes sent home from Dean's teacher complaining of potty mouth (the word he used that day was "butt-face"), Madeline asked a chaperon on a 5th grade field trip what a "condom" was (apparently there was a dispenser in the public bathroom they were using), Avery sang a song to me that had the word "ballsack" in it (I'm still traumatized by that one).
Now, here's the fun part...
tell me what's the FILTHIEST, WORST thing you've heard your kid say? C'mon, share! It's fun and therapeutic...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Secret Handshake
Here's the twins' Secret Handshake:
start facing each other, then...
shake twice with your right hand, shake twice with your left
low-five with your right hand, low-five with your left
high-five right, high-five left
then be the first to kick your brother in the 'nads.
start facing each other, then...
shake twice with your right hand, shake twice with your left
low-five with your right hand, low-five with your left
high-five right, high-five left
then be the first to kick your brother in the 'nads.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Know Your Audience
To many, I am outgoing and funny. But in certain social settings, I can be very shy. I'm not that great at "small talk", and to overcompensate, I can put my foot in my mouth. One thing I constantly do is misjudge my crowd in terms of what is appropriate humor or a "comedy killer". Add a libation or two, and my humor is often met with the proverbial "crickets chirping".
1) When I first moved to Atlanta, I got a job at an EXTREMELY southern financial institution. It was employed by EXTREMELY southern young belles, ex-athletes, and good-Ole-boys. We would all sit in a communal room, separated by half-partitions. When it was a slow time, we would stand up to kid around and talk, like a bunch of whack-a-moles. During one such slow spot, an EXTREMELY southern young lady stands up and shares, "Y'all, when I was in sorority at Ole Miss, it was considered unladylike to stand and hold a beer while talking to a guy" and sits back down. So I popped up and added, "Yeah, I can really relate. Cuz when I was in college in New York, it was considered unladylike to actually MOUNT a guy while holding a beer." CRICKETS
2) Some dear friends of mine decided to throw me a "congratulations on my Black Belt" party, in conjunction with a mutual friends' Going Away party. There was an odd mix of my friends, their friends, and his friends at this party but hey - alcohol makes for strong glue. The host of the party was pouring a small group of us drinks, and holding court. He was telling some guys about a friend of theirs who ended up in jail. The host turns to me and explains that this guy was a part-time magician who got heavily into cocaine, and was eventually busted on possession charges. "Wow!!!" I giggled "That must have been some cavity search! What did they do - pull a rainbow scarf out of his ass?!" and actually MIMED said pulling of scarf out of said ass. CRICKETS
3) Later, at THE SAME PARTY, we all retired to the screened in porch. Polite conversation was being volleyed from one side of the room to the other, and all across. One buddy mentioned he went to a small private school called Choate. From across the porch another man commented "I didn't know you went to Choate. I heard Jamie Lee Curtis went to Choate." "Yeah", my buddy answered. "But it was a looong time ago". "Yeah!!" I chimed in. "It was SO long ago, Jamie Lee Curtis still had a PENIS!" CRICKETS
1) When I first moved to Atlanta, I got a job at an EXTREMELY southern financial institution. It was employed by EXTREMELY southern young belles, ex-athletes, and good-Ole-boys. We would all sit in a communal room, separated by half-partitions. When it was a slow time, we would stand up to kid around and talk, like a bunch of whack-a-moles. During one such slow spot, an EXTREMELY southern young lady stands up and shares, "Y'all, when I was in sorority at Ole Miss, it was considered unladylike to stand and hold a beer while talking to a guy" and sits back down. So I popped up and added, "Yeah, I can really relate. Cuz when I was in college in New York, it was considered unladylike to actually MOUNT a guy while holding a beer." CRICKETS
2) Some dear friends of mine decided to throw me a "congratulations on my Black Belt" party, in conjunction with a mutual friends' Going Away party. There was an odd mix of my friends, their friends, and his friends at this party but hey - alcohol makes for strong glue. The host of the party was pouring a small group of us drinks, and holding court. He was telling some guys about a friend of theirs who ended up in jail. The host turns to me and explains that this guy was a part-time magician who got heavily into cocaine, and was eventually busted on possession charges. "Wow!!!" I giggled "That must have been some cavity search! What did they do - pull a rainbow scarf out of his ass?!" and actually MIMED said pulling of scarf out of said ass. CRICKETS
3) Later, at THE SAME PARTY, we all retired to the screened in porch. Polite conversation was being volleyed from one side of the room to the other, and all across. One buddy mentioned he went to a small private school called Choate. From across the porch another man commented "I didn't know you went to Choate. I heard Jamie Lee Curtis went to Choate." "Yeah", my buddy answered. "But it was a looong time ago". "Yeah!!" I chimed in. "It was SO long ago, Jamie Lee Curtis still had a PENIS!" CRICKETS
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Both Sides of the Argument
As previously mentioned, I am a woman. I have all the "woman" parts, so technically, I know this to be true. I have conceived four children, birthed these four children, and even nursed these same four children. In fact, I have witnesses to all these events and whom can all corroborate my claim that yes, I am a Bona Fide female!
However, in the sake of fairness and good journalism, there are those who wish to refute this argument. Below are some of my nay sayers, and their statements.
Exhibit A) at a special-needs camp I volunteer for, I was having dinner with my all boy 12 year old campers. Their cabin had formed a Fraternity during the week, and one of these sweet boys asked me if I would be joining it. No, I gently replied. That's sort of "your thing", and besides, I said, a fraternity was technically for boys. "Yeaaaahhhh", he answered, "but you're not a 'real girl'". I cocked my head to question this, but instead was met with other 12 year old boys nodding in agreement.
Exhibit B) at the family dinner table, Dean poses: "Mom, were you always a girl? Or were you born a boy, but got "that operation"?
Exhibit C) when still teaching first grade, I asked a bunch of my kids if I was a boy a girl. NOOOooooo! They all giggled. Ok, ok. I corrected. I mean, am I a "man" or a "woman". NoooOOOOoooOOOO they all chanted again. Wait! I reminded them. I have to be one or the other. I have to be either a "man" or a "woman". One little girl raised her hand. "Noooo, Mrs.____. she laughed. You're not a "man" or a "woman". You're a MOM".
Exhibit D) leaving Epcot, my daughter Avery turns to me and asks, "mom, if you didn't shave, would you have a moustache?" I defensively told her I don't shave my face - only men do.
So there you have it. Decide for yourself. If you have pix of me, I dare you to zoom in real close and see if my parts are real. Well, most are, anyway ;)
However, in the sake of fairness and good journalism, there are those who wish to refute this argument. Below are some of my nay sayers, and their statements.
Exhibit A) at a special-needs camp I volunteer for, I was having dinner with my all boy 12 year old campers. Their cabin had formed a Fraternity during the week, and one of these sweet boys asked me if I would be joining it. No, I gently replied. That's sort of "your thing", and besides, I said, a fraternity was technically for boys. "Yeaaaahhhh", he answered, "but you're not a 'real girl'". I cocked my head to question this, but instead was met with other 12 year old boys nodding in agreement.
Exhibit B) at the family dinner table, Dean poses: "Mom, were you always a girl? Or were you born a boy, but got "that operation"?
Exhibit C) when still teaching first grade, I asked a bunch of my kids if I was a boy a girl. NOOOooooo! They all giggled. Ok, ok. I corrected. I mean, am I a "man" or a "woman". NoooOOOOoooOOOO they all chanted again. Wait! I reminded them. I have to be one or the other. I have to be either a "man" or a "woman". One little girl raised her hand. "Noooo, Mrs.____. she laughed. You're not a "man" or a "woman". You're a MOM".
Exhibit D) leaving Epcot, my daughter Avery turns to me and asks, "mom, if you didn't shave, would you have a moustache?" I defensively told her I don't shave my face - only men do.
So there you have it. Decide for yourself. If you have pix of me, I dare you to zoom in real close and see if my parts are real. Well, most are, anyway ;)
Monday, June 7, 2010
What ALL Boys Want
For the most part, my twins are all boy, especially Dean, whom I consider a "boy's boy". He's silly, leaves skid marks in his underwear, dresses cool, you get the point.
So I was pretty surprised when he comes downstairs one afternoon and asks if he can play with Avery's dolls. "Sure", I tell him. "Just bring them down here, so I can keep half an eye on you." (And make sure you don't pull any of their heads off, as is his custom). Soon, from the living room drifted the adorable sounds of Dean in his imagination. I had a snack, flipped through a magazine, and still Dean was engrossed in play.
Eventually I was dying of curiosity and wanted to peak at the adorable scene of my son playing with his sister's Barbies. I spied him hunched over, with a Barbie and a Ken in each hand. As I got closer, I saw Barbie was naked, and Ken, also naked, was on top of her. "This is a great date!" I hear Dean squeak in his imagination voice.
So I was pretty surprised when he comes downstairs one afternoon and asks if he can play with Avery's dolls. "Sure", I tell him. "Just bring them down here, so I can keep half an eye on you." (And make sure you don't pull any of their heads off, as is his custom). Soon, from the living room drifted the adorable sounds of Dean in his imagination. I had a snack, flipped through a magazine, and still Dean was engrossed in play.
Eventually I was dying of curiosity and wanted to peak at the adorable scene of my son playing with his sister's Barbies. I spied him hunched over, with a Barbie and a Ken in each hand. As I got closer, I saw Barbie was naked, and Ken, also naked, was on top of her. "This is a great date!" I hear Dean squeak in his imagination voice.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Like Doggie Like Son
This short play is titled "Like Doggie Like Son"
Harrison: (sheepishly) "Mom, Mrs. Owens excused me from circle time today and sent me back to my seat."
Me: "Your teacher made you leave circle time? Why?"
Harrison: "Because I was scooting on the carpet."
Me: (confused) "Scooting"??"What d'ya mean? You were crawling around disturbing the other kids?"
Harrison: "NoooOOoooO." "Scooting!" and proceeds to demonstrate, by sitting on the floor hugging his knees to his chest. He then scoots his rear across the floor, exactly the way my (late) dog, Lucy, did.
Me: (a little testy) "Harrison! What you need to do if your butt itches is excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, WIPE PROPERLY, and wash your hands."
Dean: (matter-of-factly) "NoooOOOooo. Harrison, this is what you do when your butt itches" and proceeds to back his way to the corner of the living room. "You get to the corner of the room, and rub your butt on the corner like this!" And Dean proceeds to grind his ass up and down my living room wall.
Me: (exasperated and flailing my hands) "NOOOOOOOO! You EXCUSE yourself, go to the BATHROOM, WIPE properly, and WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!"
Both boys: look at me, blink.
The End
Harrison: (sheepishly) "Mom, Mrs. Owens excused me from circle time today and sent me back to my seat."
Me: "Your teacher made you leave circle time? Why?"
Harrison: "Because I was scooting on the carpet."
Me: (confused) "Scooting"??"What d'ya mean? You were crawling around disturbing the other kids?"
Harrison: "NoooOOoooO." "Scooting!" and proceeds to demonstrate, by sitting on the floor hugging his knees to his chest. He then scoots his rear across the floor, exactly the way my (late) dog, Lucy, did.
Me: (a little testy) "Harrison! What you need to do if your butt itches is excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, WIPE PROPERLY, and wash your hands."
Dean: (matter-of-factly) "NoooOOOooo. Harrison, this is what you do when your butt itches" and proceeds to back his way to the corner of the living room. "You get to the corner of the room, and rub your butt on the corner like this!" And Dean proceeds to grind his ass up and down my living room wall.
Me: (exasperated and flailing my hands) "NOOOOOOOO! You EXCUSE yourself, go to the BATHROOM, WIPE properly, and WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!"
Both boys: look at me, blink.
The End
Thursday, June 3, 2010
"X" Marks the Spot
Gals, remember Nair hair removal cream? Sure you do! Did it ever really work? Hells no, but we kept trying anyway, didn't we? Well...
Not too long ago my husband and I were getting ready to take a real vacation together, without kids. I was at the drug store picking up stuff, when I saw the classic icon of 1970s sexiness, NAIR. Only now, friends, it is "new and improved". Hmm, I thought. I'm game. And tossed it in my cart. It wasn't long before I was home and on the phone with my mother, telling her about my fabulous purchase. (Now to properly hear my mother's voice in your head, you need the right amount of OVER annunciation, a touch of Queens, and an undercurrent of negativity/doom/patron ism). "You know" she begins, "you should probably test that stuff at home FIRST, before trying it on vacation. You never know what the sun could do to that skin". I thought the woman had a point.
That night, once all my kids were sleeping soundly, I took out my Nair and started on my hairless-sexy-vacation-ready skin experiment. First, the bikini area, so off come the clothes. I shake up the Nair and puff some into my palm. Guess what? It's NEON PINK. "whatevs" I shrug to myself, and dab it on my bikini area. I think I should probably do my armpits, too, so again, neon pink mousse on each underarm. I look again at the "new and improved" directions. They clearly state that no extra skin (or clothes) should come in contact. So, I spread my arms wide, spread my legs wide, and stand in an "X". Step 2 of directions state I should remain in said "X" position for TWELVE minutes. Gulp. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. So I stand in my bathroom, covered in neon pink fluff, in an "X".
What's that I hear? Of course it is!!! In walks my oldest, Madeline. Thinking extremely quickly, my genius solution is to lock eyes with her, and perform some sort of mother-jedi-mind-trick that will hold her focus so she doesn't see her mother in this state. (neon pink mousse, X, etc., and now...flop sweat). She asks me some random question and I dismiss her, without so much as blinking. Holy shit!!! It worked!!! I think gleefully, as she turns on her heels and heads back to bed.
Half a second later, she turns back around. Squinting in disdain she says, "uh, mom. By-the-way...you have pink stuff all over your privates" before heading haughtily out of my room.
Not too long ago my husband and I were getting ready to take a real vacation together, without kids. I was at the drug store picking up stuff, when I saw the classic icon of 1970s sexiness, NAIR. Only now, friends, it is "new and improved". Hmm, I thought. I'm game. And tossed it in my cart. It wasn't long before I was home and on the phone with my mother, telling her about my fabulous purchase. (Now to properly hear my mother's voice in your head, you need the right amount of OVER annunciation, a touch of Queens, and an undercurrent of negativity/doom/patron ism). "You know" she begins, "you should probably test that stuff at home FIRST, before trying it on vacation. You never know what the sun could do to that skin". I thought the woman had a point.
That night, once all my kids were sleeping soundly, I took out my Nair and started on my hairless-sexy-vacation-ready skin experiment. First, the bikini area, so off come the clothes. I shake up the Nair and puff some into my palm. Guess what? It's NEON PINK. "whatevs" I shrug to myself, and dab it on my bikini area. I think I should probably do my armpits, too, so again, neon pink mousse on each underarm. I look again at the "new and improved" directions. They clearly state that no extra skin (or clothes) should come in contact. So, I spread my arms wide, spread my legs wide, and stand in an "X". Step 2 of directions state I should remain in said "X" position for TWELVE minutes. Gulp. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. So I stand in my bathroom, covered in neon pink fluff, in an "X".
What's that I hear? Of course it is!!! In walks my oldest, Madeline. Thinking extremely quickly, my genius solution is to lock eyes with her, and perform some sort of mother-jedi-mind-trick that will hold her focus so she doesn't see her mother in this state. (neon pink mousse, X, etc., and now...flop sweat). She asks me some random question and I dismiss her, without so much as blinking. Holy shit!!! It worked!!! I think gleefully, as she turns on her heels and heads back to bed.
Half a second later, she turns back around. Squinting in disdain she says, "uh, mom. By-the-way...you have pink stuff all over your privates" before heading haughtily out of my room.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Hello and Welcome!
Hello and welcome to my blogsite!
My name is Tara, and I have four fantastic children. Madeline, my oldest, is 12. Followed by my second daughter, Avery, who is nearly 10. The twins, Dean anad Harrison, are 7. (Hence the title of my blog, "Two and Twins". OHHHHHHH!) I married my college sweetheart, Larry, when I was 25. He is often witness to the trainwrecks I somehow attract. He knew what he was getting himself into, though, so don't feel sorry for him. On our blessed wedding day, I managed to spill red wine down the front of my gown before the ceremony. And did things improve once the "I dos" were exchanged? Hellll no. When we exited the canopy as "husband and wife", my cathedral length veil got stuck underneath the canopy flooring. So my feet headed down the stairs, but my veil, head, and neck stayed behind. Naturally, all our loved ones laughed right AT ME. But I digress...
I'm not the mom with the most magnets on her car for every activity, vacation, school, etc., her family belongs to, who volunteers for the most causes, whose kids are the cleanest and cutest, who has a scrapbook full of precious moments. Fuck those moms. There is no fun in perfection. And frankly, if YOU are the mom with the most magnets, etc., on YOUR car, let me say "are you that desperate for attention? REALLY?"
Anyway, I started becoming the girlfriend other friends wanted to confess to, to confide in. They knew I wouldn't judge their mishaps, humiliations, or mistakes. We would laugh together and both feel ok. So this is the site for the shit you just can't make up. The cringe-worthy, hilarious, disgusting, and humiliating things that happen to me. My children are most definitely a source of blog-stuff. But I manage to attract plenty of calamity all on my own. The world has become a very small place indeed. Why not gather around, share some stories, and laugh our asses off at my expense?
ENJOY! AND SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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